The Mailing List

Who to invite, whom to exclude...

(See, I was paying attention in grammer class!)

"Oh, but we have to invite them!"

Have I even met them?

(And I am talking about OUR side of the guest list.)

Now I did understand the time honored tradition of inviting the "out of state relative" that won't possibly even consider making the trip, but should be good for a gift;

BEFORE I SAW THE PRICE OF INVITATIONS!

(I don't see any gifts arriving with my name on them!)

But when I came across this one....

Oh, for crying out loud!

Can we draw a line somewhere!

Actually, if he would come I would gladly foot the bill, BUT

He is sitting at my table!

I have a few things to discuss!

The Male's Mail

Yep, I know you had to read it twice, but this weekend's mail delivery really opened my eyes to the difference between Female Mail and Male Mail.

Huh?

Well you must understand that since the nearly divine act of completing and mailing of the

"Invitations"

the daily receipt of mail, carrying the all important

"RSVP Cards"

is a daily cause for celebration!

Each day the mail carrier is greeted by my youngest daughter, (middle school age & a bridesmaid), and she quickly separates out the RSVP cards and e-mails her sister, (engaged daughter) with the daily responses.

How exciting!

However, Saturday also brought the first official,

"WEDDING PREPARATIONS VISA BILL !!"

Funny, nobody claimed or celebrated over that.

(Well, I do admit to shedding a few tears!)

I Should Have Seen It Coming

If you follow my blog, you know that I like to lament on my frustrations & confusion over the complexity of this entire wedding thing, not to mention the financial aspect of it all!

Complex wedding invitations, multiple dress fittings, several different types of shoes for different participants for each portion of the proceedings, etc.

However, I must say that in all honesty,

"I did see this coming."

It all started 32 years ago when I asked my beloved a simple question:

"Do you want to get married?"

Before I knew it, the announcement was in the paper, the invitations were being sent out and my first ever "Honey Do List (Scroll)" was being printed.

My daughters have inherited my wife's "I know what I want and how I want it" gene.

By the time of our wedding 31.5 years ago, I had created sixteen wooden candle sconces to hang on the church pews, complete with hurricane globes, (the sconces at the rental place were just not right), and a custom hand crafted kneeling bench since the ones we found available were "just not what she had in mind."

That's without mentioning the countles weekends spent searching shoe stores for the wedding shoes she could "just see in my mind."

(Apparently no shoe designer had shared her vision!)

Now its important to remember that while doing all of this custom wedding implement fabrication, I was also carrying a double load of senior level accounting/auditing classes at an out of town University and interviewing to hopefully start my career with a national accounting firm.

(Part of the plan was to be employed when I got married!)

I was busy!

So, this involved wedding planning process is really no big surprise.

My "to do" list this time around includes:

1) Removing the 93 "Flags of all nations" currently displayed 24' off of the sanctuary floor in the front of the church, (the day before the wedding).

2) Designing and building "boxes" that will cover the 93 flag mounts that will remain on the front wall of the church after the 93 "Flags of all nations" have been removed.

3) Successfully installing said boxes 24' off of the sanctuary floor after flags have been removed, (the day before the wedding).

4) Designing, fabrication and installing (the day before wedding) a new white drop curtain to conceal sanctuary light equipment 28" off of sanctuary floor.

5) Procuring and temporarily installling mini-blinds on glass door of room in church where the bride will be preparing, (a taped up pillow case wouldn't work?)

6) Removing and restoring all sanctuary modifications before church service the next day.

The "real scary" part of all of this is that I know,

"The List Has Just Begun!"

(You know, when we had "We've Only Just Begun" played at our wedding,

I never really appreciated the hidden meaning )

"The Getaway!"

Nope, I am not a big fan of the 1972 movie.

(Apologies to all of you Steve McQueen/Ali MacGraw fans)

(p.s. If you understand the above references, please click your AARP cards on your dentures as applause)

I am referring to the traditional send off of the Bride & Groom.

You know the whole "form a line and pelt the bride and groom with whatever is environmentally friendly as they dash off to the awaiting get away vehicle" gig.

I have seen the "newly hitched" leave in horse drawn carriages, every sort of limo and I have even heard the idea of using a tandem bicycle immortilized in song.( Yeah...It didn't go over well in the song either!)

A long time ago,

in a galaxy far, far away,

my bride and I opted to leave the wedding

in my current "get me through college" clunker

which just happened to be a 1967 Mustang Coupe!

(If I can find the actual photo from the wedding, I will substitute it, promise!)

So....I was pleased as punch when my friend's son "Alex" asked me to use my current 67 mustang as the getaway vehicle to deliver him and his new bride to their reception.

Some things just never go out of style.

(p.s. "Engaged Daughter" is opting for the Limo)

Getting Fit for the wedding

I know that everyone is concerned about "getting fit" for the wedding, but ladies this is getting ridiculous!
I have also noticed that is much more important for the ladies, especially "The Bride" than it is for the guys, Groom included.
No, I am not talking about going to the gym, watching the diet or long runs on the beach.

I am talking about

"The Fittings"

Every other weekend, my "engaged daughter" travels 150 miles round trip for yet another fitting with her wedding gown seamstress!

Yeesh, how big a deal can this be?

In "Gray's Anatomy" Lizzy just slipped on Meredith's gown and marched off down the aisle.

Looked Okay To Me!

I didn't see 20 trips to the lady that can't talk right because she has pins in her mouth!

In quiet contrast, the men (Groom Included) stop off at "The Men's Warehouse" one time for a 2 minute measurement, pick up the tuxes 12 hours before the big event and "We Are Done."

Shiny shoes and everything!

(see prior blog for my view on the shoes)

To quote Henry Higgins (Mr. Rex Harrison) from the movie "My Fair Lady";

"Why can't a woman be more like a man?"

The "Wedding" Budget

My wife and I, like most loving parents,

(who are terrified that this upcoming wedding will bankrupt them)

sat down with our lovely "engaged daughter" early in this pre-wedding journey to discuss,

"The Budget".

I must admit, that even though I wore my most somber "budgeting dad" expression, that I was very pleased and relieved at the budget number decided upon. I am not totally naive, so I did realize that there would be overruns, (as there is in any budget), and although I had my "budget overrun scowl" already practiced and stored away for certain use, secretly I was in a very good fiscal mood.

What I did not count on, were the "Off Budget Items!"

(I should have got a clue from our current federal government situation)

No, I am not talking about my wife's "mother of the bride dress" or the fact that there is a "mother of the bride" dress for each wedding shower, for the rehearsal and for the wedding, nor am I talking about the fact the there will be shoes, accessories and possibly jewelry to complete the look for each of the aforementioned events.

Nope, I am talking about the

"OFF, OFF, OFF BUDGET ITEMS!"

I was recently sitting in my very nicely decorated, very comfortable family room in my equally pleasant domicile, when my wife brought up the idea of a new sectional for said room. Huh? I thought our couch and loveseat were fine.

I was wrong!

Our furniture was not suitable at all (Silly man)! Okay, I will indulge said nesting mood and help shop for a new sectional.

That is when the flood gates burst!

And I thought the carnage from Katrina was bad! Where oh where is FEMA!

I now realize that not only was our couch and loveseat inadequate but:

Our "comfy" blue chair needed recovering,

The two small family room chairs needed help,

The formal dining room chairs required recovering,

The front room, entry way, dining room, family room, kitchen, breakfast nook, main hallway and second guest room needed paint,

The front porch needed not only a fresh coat of floor paint but an entire replacement of the railing system,

and the entire house had to be re-carpeted!

Oh, and a darling cabinent was found that needs to be stripped and repainted.

(It was a deal!)

Now, what makes this really interesting is the fact that;

No wedding events are happening at our house.

That's right. Nothing, nada, zilch!

No backyard wedding, no picnic reception, not even a shower!

I can't even imagine if..............

And so we enter yet another chapter of:

Poor Wedding Dad

(Have pity)

Invitation Construction - Weekend #2

Yes, you read the title correctly.

We are about to start our second weekend of

"Invitation Construction"!

As a little background, and to give credit where credit is due...

My currently engaged daughter has a reputation for being, shall we say "high maintenance."

There is never any doubt about "what it is she wants and how things are going to be," so my wife and I entered this wedding planning era of our life with some serious concerns.

Now, I am very proud to say that although our daughter knows exactly "what it is she wants and how things are going to be," she has also shown great frugality and creativity in obtaining her goals.

The most obvious example to date pertains to;

(que up low rumbling music)

THE INVITATIONS!

(insert scream soundtrack here)

To clear up your confusion, I should explain that my daughter found "The Perfect" invitations. Perfect that is except for the price! I think I overheard something along the lines of $15 each, although this was purposely discussed in the other room, safely away from Dad!

(Gotta keep dad's fragile heart in mind).

Enter the frugality I am so proud of.

Engaged daughter knew she wanted these invitations, and knew the price was way out there, so she got hold of "Crafty, Artsy" sister and figured out how to produce these invitaions for a VERY small portion of the price. "Crafty, Artsy" sister got a local printer to print and cut out the multitude of pieces that comprise said invitation, and "engaged daughter" scheduled an "invitation construction weekend" including both sets of parents, siblings, boyfriend of sibling, neighbors, friends and I think a guy we picked up outside Home Depot!

(All I know is that they all stayed for dinner!)

On Saturday morning, I was approached gingerly and told that I would be needed to run a multitude of support errands instead of actually being involved in the cutting, taping, gluing, assembling rinse and repeat.

Imagine my total and complete Joy!

Anyway, after a complete weekend of all of the above operations; progress was made. (Yep, progress). These things are still a long ways from being done.

From what I can figure, these things are some kind of a pop-up origami full scale replica of the Eiffel tower with paper mache doves circling overhead, and somewhere in all of this is something called a "Belly Band." (I thought that was what the Shriners called their parade ensemble).

It goes without saying that I will be up all night tonight praying for a long list of errands for tomorrow morning.

"Dibs"

I am a husband and the father of four beautiful daughters.

As such, I have been dealing with "Dibs" for as long as I can remember.

No, I am not talking about those wonderful ice cream treats that you can pop in your mouth like popcorn (and incidently will puff you up like popcorn!)

I am referring to the calling of "Dibs" for everything from a window seat, to the last piece of pizza.

With the attainment of an "appropriate age of matrimony", the girls have all started to call dibs on everything from flower type to church, reception site, wedding colors, etc. ad nauseum!

I bring this up because I have witnessed an extremely rare event I call,

"The Giving of the Dibs"

My currently engaged daughter and fiance have graciously informed me that since I am spending a king's ransom on this "small intimate ceremony and gathering of friends," that I may choose to wear either a tuxedo or a suit.

That was subsequently modified to:

"You may pick out your own tux."

Now I am not exactly a fashion guru, but I do own every solid color Izod short sleeve polo shirt sold!

So, I do have some expertise in fashion.

That said, I found my tuxedo, or at least a picture of the look I am striving for!

(Hey, it looked great on Alan Arkin and Peter Falk!)

Now, back to the

"Giving of the Dibs."

When I presented my selection to my engaged daughter, she replied, "Dad, I think that is what my sister has always dreamed of. I wouldn't want to take that from her."

It's a Miracle, The Giving of the Dibs!

Sounds like "I" have decided to wear a black tux after all.

Talking To Her Dad!

Now this posting may seem to apply to the grooms and potential grooms, but lets face it;

Grooms don't read this stuff!

And...The reality is, we all know who "Grooms the Groom!" now don't we...

Now you all think this has to do with the big ceremonial, ancient ritual of

"Asking the father for permission to marry the daughter."

but lets not get ahead of ourselves.

I suspect that many of you out there are still a little bit away from THAT scenario, and are still dealing with a potential groom, or still "seeking" said potential groom.

That said, let us start with the basics.

"Meeting the Dad"

If I could pass on THEE most important thing you can advise your groom (potential groom, virtual groom, etc) to do when first meeting the "Dad"; it would be to:

"Look him in the eye and shake his hand!"

Yeesh!

You would think this stuff would be taught in boy's 5th grade gym class, but I can't tell you how terrible it is to have your daughter introduce you to (insert rodent's name here) and have the ingrate look as his shoes, stuff his hands in his pockets and turn away!

Face it, no guy will ever be good enough in a father's eyes, but at least he wants to know the guy is a man!

ps: This protocol also applies to each and every subsequent meeting.

Its easy, its simple, and it keeps the dad from glancing around the room looking for an available baseball bat!

(deep breath, check pulse, regulate blood pressure...)

Okay now, onto that "OTHER" Dad and other potential uninvited family member meeting.

I know it is archaic, ancient, demeaning, sexist, etc, etc, etc.

BUT IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO THE DAD!

Try to look at it this way, the Dad is about to lose (in his mind) one of the most important treasures of his life, his little girl, and as a consolation prize, its probably gonna cost him a bundle to do it!

The Dad knows he doesn't have to be asked.

The Dad knows he doesn't have a choice,

(Face it, he probably is or was married at some time in his life. Nuff said)

The Dad knows that once this "wedding" ball gets rolling, nobody is going to ask him anything else.

Do him a favor:

"Ask Him"

It doesn't matter if he is asked "For His Permission" or "For His Blessing".

He can't say "no".

He knows the deal is already done, and at some time he has to face his wife and daughter!

(And grooms think Dad's are scary!)

I have been asked once.

(I should have been asked twice by now, and being asked is much better)

I have to admit that I lectured for at least 90 minutes, but...I knew it was my last shot for a long time.

AND I WAS RIGHT!

So, to sum it up:

1) Look Dad in eye.

2) Shake his hand.

3) Ask him.

4) Shut up and listen.

Remember, some bum may be "asking" you some day!